I read in a recent edition of the Dunwoody Reporter that City Councilmember Terry Nall remains the only declared candidate for Dunwoody mayor; well, I just can’t allow that to stand. It doesn’t reflect well upon Dunwoody if its new mayor is the result of an uncontested election. What next — the Dunwoody City Council becomes a politburo and deigns to the autarchic city ruler with responses of “da” and “nyet” in accordance to His Exalted Highness’s wishes?! Nope – we’re currently suffering that bit of totalitarianism on a national level and definitely do not need to replicate it locally.

Therefore, to save Dunwoody from itself, I shall have to throw my hat into the mayoral election ring — and being a bald man, you know right there how far I’m willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the municipality.

These shall be my only platforms:

  • I shall ban adult cyclists from city sidewalks. Why bother spending taxpayer dollars on bicycle routes if sidewalk pedestrians have to worry about being run down by unyielding cyclists?!

 

  • I shall establish a copperhead habitat. Although I’m a Chicago native, where the only venomous animals are rabid dogs and politicians, in my over 26 years down here I’ve come to adore, if not love, Georgia’s most underappreciated creature. Few realize that without a healthy population of copperheads in our creek beds, near our dumpsters and compost heaps, rodents would reproduce exponentially. A copperhead habitat would allow Dunwoody residents to take copperheads from the habitat as needed for rodent control (or just to enjoy as I do) or as a place to relocate recalcitrant vipers from their own yard without having to slay them.

 

  • I’ll push through a city ordinance allowing the licensing of cannabis cafes correlating to the number of taverns currently licensed in Dunwoody, as marijuana is much less deleterious to one’s health than alcohol. Subsequently, I’ll organize an annual smoke-in event with kif-shop crawls and cannabis clouds hovering throughout the town that weekend. This, my friends, would put Dunwoody on the international zeitgeist map. Folks think Burning Man is the bee’s knees?! Just wait till they experience a weekend of Dunwoody’s holy herb hospitality! And think of the tax revenue we’ll accrue from mostly out-of-towners!

I’ll eventually provide my mayoral campaign details on social media, but right now I gotta figure out how to scrape up the qualifying fee (probably will be found “mad money” after going through all my coat pockets), as my wife has already nixed using household funds for what she refers to as “…a ludicrous and futile endeavor”.

Gary Ray Betz

Dunwoody

 

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